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So I finally saw Prince Caspian beginning to end. And let me tell you - I am not pleased. Here're some of the many reasons why.

If You Die In Narnia, Do You Die In Real Life?
Also known as
72 Reasons I Hate Disney's Prince Caspian
 
1. The movie begins with no background information. The first scene begins with Caspian getting rudely awoken by "Professor" (known in the books as Doctor Cornelius), who tells him to run for his life. All fine and good—excellent way to start a movie—but we lose the background information that the book provides: Caspian has been brought up by his unpleasant aunt and creepy uncle in the Telmarine way, but his nurse and then Dr. Cornelius teach him about Old Narnia, which he believes in and longs for all his life. In fact, that's why Caspian was given Cornelius in the first place—King Miraz learned that Nurse was teaching Caspian about Old Narnia and wanted to put a stop to it. Later in the movie, then, when Caspian begs the Old Narnians to help him regain his throne, he comes across as rather greedy because we don't understand his love of Old Narnia.

2. Caspian is OLD. He's supposed to be younger than Peter, so maybe 13, at the most. By picking Ben Barnes to play him, Adamson destroyed the sense of youthful innocence and nobility that characterizes Prince Caspian. Caspian's naivety and adorable loyalty to Old Narnia are tarnished and silly-fied by the fact that he is TWENTY.

3. Caspian is SPANISH. No. Just…no. "You keeled my fadder…plepare to dieee."

4. Miraz tries to have Caspian killed. In the books, Caspian flees the castle unhindered in the dead of night on his horse, Destrier, while the Telmarines celebrate.

5. On a related note, Caspian encounters strong resistance as he flees—in fact, his supposedly silent escape turns into a mini-battle.

6. And then he is pursued by Miraz's soldiers across the river and through the woods—but not to grandma's house. A main tenet of Telmarine society is their intense fear of and aversion to woods and water, due to the stories of Old Narnia. And yet they chase him through!

7. Caspian uses Susan's horn far too early. In the books, he blows it when it appears as if there is no hope for the rebel Narnian army, and they are already in Aslan's How—"only in the time of your greatest need," as Cornelius warns him. In the movie, though, Caspian gets knocked off his horse in the dark, and as his uncle's soldiers trot nearby on one side and terrifying!little people walk towards him on the other, he freaks out and blows the horn, calling the Pevensies back to Narnia. What a pansy.

8. Caspian doesn't fall unconscious until after blowing the horn—in the books, he falls off Destrier in the middle of a thunderous storm, bashing his head, and wakes up in the care of Trufflehunter, Knickabrick, and Trumpkin.

9. Meanwhile, back in England, once-mighty kings Edmund and Peter can't win a schoolboy fistfight in the London Underground. What wimps. I mean, I know it's been a year since Narnia, but really! One doesn't forget enough years of being a battle-hardened warrior king in that time to be beaten by a few teenagers!

10. And I'm sorry to say it, but I kinda remember William Moseley (Peter) and Anna Popplewell (Susan) as being better actors in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

11. The Telmarine castle is really rather creepy—far too Lord of the Rings for a kids' movie, in my opinion.

12. We see far too much of the Telmarines. I think the story loses too much of its mystery if we know what the enemy is doing at every moment of every day.

13. Miraz encounters political resistance in his bid to destroy the Narnians? Why did this über-bad dude who sent away to their certain dooms the seven lords who were sympathetic to Caspian's father, Caspian IX, let these annoying whiners stay? That makes no sense.

14. Cair Paravel was attacked? When?? Why was I not notified?? There is no mention of an epic battle in the book.

15. Along those lines, suddenly after discovering evidence of this epic battle, the Pevensie children understand it has been thousands of years after their reign, despite the fact that it's only been a year in our world. Yeah, 'cause I would have guessed that right off the bat.

16. And immediately after that, they are suddenly warrior!kings and queens again, waging a mini-epic battle against the soldiers that are attempting to do away with Trumpkin the Dwarf. Definitely.

17. And RAWR! They're suddenly awesomely High King Peter The Magnificent, Queen Susan The Gentle, King Edmund The Just, and Queen Lucy The Valiant again. Not Pete, Sue, Ed, and Lu from Finchley anymore, that's for sure! That transformation took all of five minutes.

18. Oh, and Trumpkin immediately guesses they're the Four Kings and Queens Of Old. Yeah, because if I meet four people near the centuries-old ruins of Cair Paravel, I'm going to automatically know they're the centuries-old Kings And Queens.

19. TOO MUCH TELMARINE FACE-TIME. Telmarines are boring—let's get back to the Narnians.

20. Oh, and by the way, Narnians had no idea Queen Susan's horn would call back the Four, like Cornelius tells Caspian in the movie—in fact, there's a big deal in the books about how they debate using the horn. What would it do? Would it call Aslan? Would it just give away their position? Would it give them morale? No one guessed it would bring the Pevensies back.

21. Lucy's a wuss.

22. Oh, and I'm pretty sure that the Telmarines didn't have crossbows—because they certainly would have won, otherwise. And you know what weapon development came close on the heels of the crossbow? Yeah—the gun. Narnia shouldn't have guns. It's just wrong.

23. Reepicheep needs to be jet black like he was written. I had trouble distinguishing him from the other mice!

24. This may be a facetious point, but where are the lovely English accents? I swear, half the Narnians turned American in the 1000 years between The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and Prince Caspian.

25. Peter's a jerk. C'mon, man, get over yourself! Lewis didn't write you that way!

26. So Caspian has just been arrested by the Narnians, and they're arguing, NOT over whether they should kill him, but whether he should be their KING! If I was one of them, I would've cut off his head right then and there. Of course, the fact that he is ugly and shaggy and TWENTY in the movie makes it harder to believe the Narnians' acceptance of him than if he was adorable and blond and thirteen, but whatever.

27. And then all of a sudden the Narnians accept him, just because he made a pretty speech about wanting peace? No. Off with his twenty-year-old head.

28. Since when do the Pevensies run into the Telmarines at Beruna?

29. AND WHERE IS ASLAN? So much is lost just by removing Aslan from the picture.

30. I like the swordfight between Caspian and Peter. Except not. NEVER HAPPENED.

31. And what about Lucy's poignant "Wake, won't you?" scene with the trees? One of my favorite parts of the book, reduced to a glance and a sigh of "Oh, please wake up."

32. Why are Peter and Caspian such jerks? I was really not keen on either of them throughout the movie. And hey, whaddaya know? They were the protagonists!

33. The Lords Sopespian and Glozelle are nowhere near sly enough. The idea was that they were secretly plotting against Miraz the whole time, but the movie made them look almost sympathetic to the Narnians. Then when Sopespian stabbed Miraz post-epic duel with Peter, it was out of the blue.

34. Aslan's How looks like a Mayan temple from the outside.

35. Aslan's How looks like a creepy Indiana Jones tomb from the inside.

36. A raid on Miraz's castle? WHAT? SINCE WHEN? I have to side with movie!Caspian on this one—bad idea.

37. Might I reiterate—Peter's a jerk.

38. Poor Doctor Cornelius—being shut away in a Telmarine dungeon. Which definitely never happened, either.

39. An epic showdown between Caspian, Miraz, Prunaprismia, Peter, and Susan in Miraz's bedroom? Um, okay, but it didn't happen. And way to have a crossbow over your bed, Miraz.

40. As for Caspian finally realizing that maybe, JUST MAYBE, Miraz killed his father: (pardon my French, but) NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.

41. And whoa, when did Prunaprismia get all epic crossbow-master-y?

42. Is it just me, or were the minotaurs rather…BBC? And by that, I mean stunt guys with cow suits on mooing at people.

43. It's amazing how all four Miraz's-Castle-Raiders (Peter, Susan, Edmund, and Caspian) could avoid being shot by the hundreds of arrows that were shot at them. Epic!Prunaprismia's the only one who got a hit in.

44. A bit of historical-accuracy facetiousness, but I'm pretty sure Caspian X would never have shouted "HEY" at anyone, much less High King Peter. I could go with "Hearken to me, ye currish giglet," but never "hey."

45. Since when were Galma, Calormen, and Ettinsmoor part of this Telmarine/Narnian conflict? Where were they earlier? INCONSISTENCY!

46. Oh, and by the way, Miraz totally crowned himself king of Telmar/Narnia when Caspian was a little kid. Not midway through the uprising. That's one of the reasons the Telmarines and Narnians welcomed Caspian's reign, because Miraz was such a royal pain in the butt.

47. Remember the BBC minotaurs? I've got to say the same for the hag and werewolf. Laughable, actually!

48. Where's everyone else during this Caspian/hag/werewolf conflict? Poor kid is all alone to face the forces of the Dark Magic.

49. White Witch Reborn?? No. Just…no.

50. I hate Susan and her full-of-herself-ness. She's cool in the book, but in the movie…

51. Way to get Aslan all wrong, Disney jerks. Way to make him look all "Figr it owt on ur own gize lol brb".

52. We get it, Adamson. The Telmarines are the bad guys. You don't need to give them badguys!armor too.

53. As for the epic last battle, the Telmarines definitely wouldn't stand around in the battlefield after a surprise approach waiting for the Narnians to come up with a plan.

54. Has anyone else noticed that Skandar Keynes (Edmund) has a bit of a slight lisp in this movie? It sounds almost as though he forgot to remove his retainer before saying his lines.

55. The stupid relationship between Caspian and Susan needs to DIE IN A FIERY FIRE.

56. Susan is in trouble! Oh noes! But lo—Caspian to ze rescue! Ugh. Gag me.

57. "What happens in our world if we die here?" …Seriously, Peter and Edmund? It took you THAT long to wonder if you die in Narnia, if you die in the real world? You were warrior kings of Narnia for X-amount of years and that NEVER crossed your minds? Not once?

58. Slow-mo works in some instances. Not in others. Like in epic battle sequences. And everyone knows that too much of a good thing…

59. See, if Caspian were cute and thirteen, we wouldn't be having this angsty crap about whether or not to kill Miraz.

60. Why do Peter and Edmund stand around counting while Telmarine boulders rain down around their heads? I'd be screaming and running full tilt for Aslan's How. But then again, I'm not a king of Narnia and bulletproof like that.

61. Yes, let's destroy Aslan's How, because once the Telmarine soldiers fall into the six-foot hole you've created they won't climb out again.

62. Oh yeah, 'cause Susan can see Peter turn around and hear him whisper across a busy battlefield.

63. Way to use the same epic battle music for both movies, Harry Gregson-Williams.

64. There's nowhere near enough Lucy/Aslan/trees content, so the L/A/t stuff there is totally loses its significance.

65. Lucy wishes she was braver? Lucy THE VALIANT?

66. Hey, look, trees to the rescue! Kinda reminds me of something else…oh, yeah. Ents!

67. Why does the last epic battle of the movie have to be 2351057683472 hours long?

68. Yes, Telmarines. Because jumping into the river will help you get away from the rivergod.

69. And by the way, the bridge was totally built before Miraz was king.

70. Prunaprismia definitely did not decide to go back to our world.

71. One or two words, a couple of awkward glances, and suddenly Caspian and Susan wish Susan could stay in Narnia so they could "have more time" with each other? Er…right. Because a couple of teenagers fall in love like that. But oh, I forgot—Caspian is TWENTY.

72. I don't like the ending song. Narnia is not a chick flick or Disney Channel movie, Adamson! Cut the pop lyrics!


But alas, Narnia has the unfortunate tendency to make me happy no matter how badly it's done. Therefore, I have a list of the things I thought were done well:

1. Edmund is just plain EPIC.

2. The squirrels and mice are regrettably very cute.

3. I must admit, I got a little teary after the castle raid.

4. The Peter/Miraz duel was awesome.

5. Aslan is generally TOTALLY COOL.

6. Yay for the rivergod! That was really neat.

7. The costumes are GORGEOUS.

8. Did I mention that Edmund is EPIC?
The End

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